re: timelines & gratitude

It may be surprising, but i’m a total introvert at heart. I rarely go out past 8pm, and my ideal friday night consists of a workout, food, and a good movie. So, when my friend invited me to a full moon intention setting party last month I was obviously like, haaaa no thanks. I’ll set my intentions alone. But, I randomly got this charge of energy at 8pm and decided to leave my bat cave & attend.

One of my best friends in Portland put this full moon sesh on at her house. It was SO sweet. She had something to represent all of the elements, and we all brought something that meant to us to put on the “altar”. After discussing intentions and choking down cacao, we did a nighttime yoga class!

One of my best friends in Portland put this full moon sesh on at her house. It was SO sweet. She had something to represent all of the elements, and we all brought something that meant to us to put on the “altar”. After discussing intentions and choking down cacao, we did a nighttime yoga class!

After drinking some “cacao” (aka hot water and cacao that i stirred like a motherfucker so it didn’t taste like straight dirt), we all shared 5 intentions and 5 things we wanted to let go during that full moon period. Some of us talked about body image, gratitude, meditation; but there was one overwhelming intention that every single one of us wrote down:


I was shook. I remembered this sleepover i had with a friend during my teen years, and what i said to her at 1am as we were drifting off to sleep “idk, like, i honestly feel like I want a really simple wedding dress so that i can afford a huge party, cuz like i’m probably gonna be married by like 25 and i want to save up for my kids college and stuff and also at that point i will probably be like suuuuper busy with my job (especially if i’m an actress!) & if i get a high rise apartment in manhattan that will probably cost a lot?? Idk. but i’ll have enough since i’m probably gonna be close to rich. and at that point my golden retriever will be like 5 so i will need to think about who is going to like take care of him when my hot ass model husband and i are travelling thru Greece for our honeymoon... “ ha. Ha. ha. Haaa. hahaha. Haa. well, SHIT. (but honestly, go me for having some serious #GOALS). And if you’re laughing - don’t. we all did it… (right???)

Well, guess what. I’m 25. Not married - not even CLOSE. Can’t save up for my kid’s college because i’m not done paying off my debt. Working as a therapist, not an actress - making a normal salary. Lived in a straight DUMP for the last year. Can’t afford/make a commitment to having a dog.

When i turned 18 I became much more realistic, but I STILL haven’t managed to meet more than 1 or 2 of my expectations at my current age. And a few months ago, my card got declined when buying a kombucha at Whole Foods, and then I lost it because I am nowhere NEAR where I thought I would be at this age. I thought I was the only one… until I was surrounded by a group of extraordinary woman who ALL FELT THE SAME.

Too often we succumb to current societal pressures that ultimately leave us feeling inferior and ashamed of what we HAVE accomplished thus far. Both of my parents grew up in poverty, and had high expectations of what my brother and I would achieve in terms of education. I grew up in the time of the social media boom, leaving me with high expectations for my social presence and personal life. I never gave myself the chance to sit down alone - without the influence of my loved ones and/or strangers on the internet - to decide what was important to me, what I felt was reasonable for me to accomplish, and to give myself a PAT ON THE DAMN BACK for what I have succeeded & failed at thus far.

I believe that success & failure go hand in hand with one another. FAILING IS SO IMPORTANT. Each failure has led me to a different lesson and a new success. But, it’s no fuuuun to post an instagram about how you didn’t get into your 1st choice grad school, or how your boyfriend broke up with you because he honestly wasn’t just thaaaat into you.

After meeting with these ladies & chatting with friends about the topic of “timelines”, I realized that 100% of us are NOT where we imagined we would be at our current age. Not at the jobs we imagined, not dating the people we imagined (or not dating anyone at all), not living where we imagined. Some of us have kids, some of us have dogs, some of us have plants. Some of us have travelled the world, some of us are still kickin’ it in the greater area of our hometowns. I urge you to try your hardest to stop comparing yourself to those you see on instagram, to “more successful” friends, to what you saw your life as 10/20 years ago. It’s easier said than done, i know.

I still have days where I wake up and wonder WTF am I doing? Personally, I ruuuuushed through college/grad school, because I thought that getting a Masters Degree would make me feel more important and happy. L O FUCKING L. I disliked graduate school with a passion - I was a horrible student and completely uninvolved; it made me rethink my entire life career path, and it’s safe to say that I’m more confused than ever about my future at this very moment (even though it seems like i have it “all together” “all the time”).

There are days that I have to choose canned tuna instead of a whole foods brown box and kombucha. There are days when I wonder if I’ll be the one friend in my whole friend group that ends up single at all of the weddings. There are days when I look in the mirror and all of the body image issues i’ve worked so hard to get rid of, come rushing back like a tsunami. There are days when I feel inferior to literally every person I see on instagram doing “something cooler” than me.

It’s for these reasons, and these few and far between days, that I practice gratitude every morning and night. Each morning when I wake up and before I go to bed, I silently remind myself of 5 reasons to be grateful for the life I am living.

I want to take this time to remind you to be PROUD of yourself for where you are right now, in this exact moment. Have SO much gratitude for being alive. Think of 5 things (that are not of monetary value) that you are grateful for. Gratitude for me very rarely comes in the form of material things or money, because when you get down to the nitty gritty...

none of that shit matters.

Remind yourself that no one is perfect or has it all together. DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. Some of us can’t quit our jobs, so I suggest finding a hobby that you’re really passionate about. Save up for a trip. Or, really get serious about making a change - like moving somewhere you’ve always wanted to move; but allow the process to be a long one if it needs to be. Love the people who show you love. Show yourself some gdamn compassion, because you’re here. You’re breathing. You did it.

Tuesday, July 3rd:

  1. Endless support & love from friends and family

  2. My man looking me in the eyes and saying “i appreciate you” every single day

  3. The inspiring conversations and time spent yesterday with a true friend

  4. Waking up each morning and enjoying a cup of coffee with my dad

  5. My body’s ability to lift weights, run fast, and feel the best kind of sore after a workout

What are your 5 today?